Put an End to Bitchassness!!!!!!!!!

I have been compelled to come out of retirement (laziness) to write again to address this pervasive issue I have seen infiltrating the soul of this great nation. It’s not the lack of gun control laws, nor is it the slow destruction of workers rights by conservative lead and corporate funded initiatives, and neigh it is not creeping intrusion of government into medical health of women. It is something far more sinister. It is BITCHASSNESS.

“What is bitchassness and why have I never heard of it?” you may be asking yourselves. No you may have never heard the term but you have felt it deep in your gut. Whenever you see a man become overly emotional over some complete bullshit and you feel the urge to slap him and tell him to put on his big boy pants this is your body’s natural rejection of bitchassness.

Many of you out there are probably wondering why bitchassness is a problem. It’s a problem because it’s freaking annoying. Whenever you see a guy get all weepy and sad for 6 months over a two month relationship. Whenever you see a guy take shit personal that nobody should ever take personal. Or when he complains that there are women out there don’t want a “good guy”; no you pussy she just doesn’t want you!!!!

I’m not saying it’s bad for a man to feel these emotions from time to time. I’m just saying it’s wrong for him to let people know he’s feeling them. Handle your emotions like man goddamn it. Bury them deep down and watch them melt away as you pour alcohol on them. Sometimes it helps to go to a strip club, or sleep with some random woman. This way instead of dwelling on the initial even that cause this flare up of bitchassness you can focus on your feelings of regret once you’ve gotten crabs.

You would be foolish to believe that this insipid disease is only limited to men. Women can also show symptoms of bitchassness. For example when they might profess how much they love their life or how bless they are. BITCHASSNESS! Maybe they feel the need to tell the world on a weekly basis how much they love their significant other or their child. BITCHASSNESS! When they (and you know who they are) feel it’s necessary to post positive messages online on a Monday morning. BITCHASSNESSSSS!!!!!

The spread of bitchassness has been slow and controllable throughout the decades ever since the cancelling of Married With Children. However with the creation of social media and the need to constantly post shit online it has spread at an exponential rate. I urge you to help in the fight against the spread of bitchassness. You can do this by calling people out on their bitchassness whenever you see it happening. Whenever they post some bullshit online, call them out by posting in the comment box BITCHASSNESS. Alone we cannot defeat this horrible disease, but together maybe we can slow it’s spread and maybe cure some of the afflicted, so that one day we can live in a world where we don’t have to know the sappy bullshit that goes on in people’s heads.

Thank you and Godspeed.

Lesson's From a Proud Baby Daddy

I’m back. I had to take a forced vacation. Well, vacation probably isn’t the best word, seeing as how I’ve spent my time away changing diapers, getting thrown up on, and cleaning bottles. That’s right, I am now a father. It’s the most amazing thing that could ever happen to you while at the same time being the most horrible thing to ever happen to you. I felt that it was my responsibility to jot down some lessons that I’ve learned from my 5 month journey into fatherhood so, that the two people that read this will learn from experience.

1. Seeing the Birth of Your Child is a Highly Overrated Experience:

            I had always figured this would be the case and that is why I did not want to participate. I am happy that I did however for two reasons. 1. It fucking sucks being a woman and having to go through that shit, so I am very happy that I was able to be there for my girlfriend. 2. I went through it so now I can look people in the face and tell them when they say it was the most wonderful day of their life that they are in fact full of shit. I was so tired by the time my son was cut out from my partially unconscious girlfriend, they could have pulled out an Asian albino kid, and I would have just been happy that it was finally over. I have also learned from this that an individual that can cut a person open and still go home to sleep at night with no problems is not a person that should be trusted, ever.

2. Babies Are the Most Abusive Individuals on the Planet:

            I have never taken so much abuse in my life. All this kid does is demand things of me and I do it. I’m like a freaking robot. If he’s wet, I change him. If he’s hungry, I feed him. If he’s tired, I put him to sleep. With all that we do for this kid, not once has he ever said thank you. Now I’m not stupid, I know he’s a baby and he can’t talk so fine no thank you is needed, but how about just a nod of the head, anything acknowledge the fact that we have some type of existence beyond just satisfying his every need. We are like battered wives at this point, and finally one day he makes eye contact with you and smiles, and like a bunch of assholes we become overjoyed at this stupid gesture, which by the way he is only doing because he likes to smile when he takes a shit.

3. Wiping Another Man’s Balls Doesn’t Make You Gay:

            Yeah I know right. This one was very counterintuitive for me as well. I’ve known some of my guy friends since we were in elementary school. These are guys that I’ve done ridiculously dangerous things in support of risking my freedom, and sometimes my life. Yet having gone through everything I have with my friends, if one of them ever asked me to wipe poop off his balls, I can promise you the friendship would be over in a second. Yet my son is expected to get this privilege without a moment’s hesitation. I am proud to say I hesitated. I did it, but I hesitated, as I think any heterosexual man should do before cleaning another mans nuts. Just because this child is given the title of “Son” I’m automatically supposed to feel comfortable doing this? I call bullshit. But just in case you were wondering I’ve been cleaning balls now for 5 months and I am still 100% heterosexual.   

Now having said all of this most people would think that either I’m a horrible father or that I hate my kid. Neither of these things is true so fuck you. The fact is only a good father would be going through all this to be able to learn these lessons and I love my son very much and always will no matter how much of an asshole he is. I will continue to take my abuse like a champ just like my father did all the while looking forward to the day when he is old enough for me to make him get me beer from the fridge and then go wash my car.

Happy Father’s Day    

Goldicocks and the Three Bears

According to the last head count that I did, there are over 6 billion people on the planet give or take a few over in Asia (they all look a like I may have counted double). Given this fact it would seem to be incredibly stupid for anyone to say they are looking for “The One.” People run around left and right sounding like Morpheus from the Matrix looking for this one special person that is exactly right for them. As funny as it is to see women going through what I like to call “Goldicock Syndrome,” it gets kind of sad after a certain point. (For those of you who don’t get it, Goldicock refers to a woman who sleeps with men until she finds the one).

There isn’t one person for any of us, if there was the statistical likelihood of you finding them is so ridiculously small that you’re screwed. What if your soul mate lives in some small fishing village in the middle of the Indian Ocean and you live in Miami? What if your soul mate died and you never got a chance to meet them? There are more “what if’s” than I would care to account for or to go over, and I’m sure if you’re able to read this you’re smart enough to think of some for yourself.

The problem with this fairytale belief is not that some people are going to never find that magical connection they are looking for. The problem is that people in relationships still go out looking for that one person they should be with. They wonder if the person they are with is that person. People end good relationships because they think that there is some better match for them out there. There isn’t.

There are also people that sit in bad relationships because they feel that they can’t do any better. The same rule applies; you can’t. If you don’t change yourself and look at what you’re doing to cause your relationship to suck you will probably repeat the same behaviors in every relationship you get into. I love talking to those guys who cheat on their girl friends, who think that they are some how magically going to stop cheating once they find their wife.  It is as if true love is what’s keeping them from being faithful and not their inability to say no to their penis. (Turns out the D.A.R.E. program in elementary school did teach me something)

That magical connection you’re searching for if you are one of these people, actually happens when two people decide they want to be together and create a relationship that makes them both happy. Seeing as how I don’t believe in god, I also don’t believe that there is some master plan out there for any of us. You make your own happiness in the short amount of time we have in this life. If your relationship sucks right now instead of looking outside of it and trying to find something better, take an honest look inward and ask yourself what you could do to make it better. If the answer is nothing, then end the relationship. You will get over them; just remember that there are several billion people left for you to go through and NASA is still in search for life outside our planet, so don’t lose hope.  

I Love the Smell of Hippies in the Morning!!!!

I decided today after sitting on the sidelines for so long to actually give my opinion for what it’s worth on the whole Occupy Wall Street movement. Since I’m not actually going to go out and protest I figured I would contribute what I can, (irreverent writing made to sound like I actually know what I am talking about). I’m not a tree hugging hippy like many of the people out there protesting probably are. I’m sure for many of them living in a park for a couple weeks without showering is not a large break with their normal day to day activities. However, just because I disagree with their sense of hygiene doesn’t mean I don’t support their cause.

As an immigrant to this country (legally for readers in Arizona) I know better than most people that are born here what this country is about. The whole “American Dream” isn’t about having the white house with the picket fence and 2.5 kids. It’s about having the opportunity to get those things. America isn’t about handouts and everyone having the same things. It’s about everyone having a fair chance at achieving what they want in life. What the Tea Party crowd has gotten right is the idea that Americans don’t want or need government handouts. What they get wrong is the target of their anger.

I’m not one of these people that feel that corporations are inherently evil. That’s like saying Tea Party people are inherently stupid. Ok, bad example. Corporations serve their purpose and they do it well. They make money for their share holders. If that means that a financial institution is going to make risky investments, or product manufacturer is going to save money at the expense of consumer safety so be it. A CEO is measured by how much money he makes and how much bigger the company gets under their tenure. The CEO of BP during the whole Gulf oil spill is probably a really nice guy. I’m sure if he saw a box of kittens on the side of the road he would get out to help, but the board of directors isn’t judging him based on that.

Knowing that corporations will do whatever they can to make money what we need is a government that recognizes that and protects our best interest, not theirs. I say deregulate everything, and if a company is found to have produced a faulty product that hurts a consumer we should be allowed to sue them for every cent they have, and hang the CEO outside the corporate office. Of course though this would never work; who would risk investing in anything knowing that if 1 person makes a mistake they could lose everything? That’s why we need a powerful government that protects people from corporations, and holds corporations accountable when they do wrong.

For far too long we’ve had a government that is more concerned with the needs of corporations than the needs of the people they were elected to service, the Occupy Wall Street movement is here. The Tea Partiers were here first and they are angry too, they are just too ignorant to understand who is actually dicking them over. Both these movements have started because American people are pissed off about what has been going on.

So, I would like to say thank you, to all the people who stood up and have gone out to protest. Although the cynic in me keeps me from believing that anything will really change as a result of these protests, I am still happy to see the message “Hey assholes, we’re still here,” is being conveyed on mine and all of our behalves. Now if we could just get a major corporation to donate bars of soap or something.   

No that's not his cellphone in his pocket, he is happy to see you.

Once again, it is another fact that shows that women are less intelligent than men (in this one specific example). Women all over the world cannot seem to tell when a man is flirting with them. It’s like their brains are lacking in the ability to make the connection. Or maybe they think that this guy, that’s being so nice to them for no reason, making himself available to talk on the phone about your problems, asking if you want to go get coffee to just chill is any different from the last asshole that did all these same exact things, then in the end tried to F^@K them. I have news for you… HE’S NOT.

If the heterosexual kinda guy, not related to you, seems interested in the daily monotony that is the female existence, means he wants to sleep with you. It really is that simple ladies. He’s not different from all the rest of the straight guys you’ve ever met, and he’s not trying to build some platonic long lasting friendship. He wants to bone you and he’s just too much of a pussy to say it to your face.

This is why I never feel sorry for those overly sensitive douchebaggy guys that complain about getting put into the “friend box”. They get put there because instead of manning up, putting it on the line and risk being rejected, they try to do the shady “If Only She Got to Know Me” maneuver. Maybe this move works in teen movies where the ugly nerd gets the hot girl when she sees his heart of gold, but in real life the hot girl gets with guy who has the pelotas (for my gente) to go ask her out. Then that same guy has to explain to his hot girlfriend that her nerdy guy best friend actually wants to get in her pants.

There is an explanation for this behavior in women though, and it once again goes back to the fact that they never really have to work that hard to get laid. For a guy we are looking for any sign that a woman may be interested in us (for me personally that means if a woman has ever made eye contact with me, unless of course she is a lesbian, understand?) Women never had to develop awareness for when a man wanted them, because in cave man days it was probably just assumed that if he had a penis he wanted you. However, now in a society filled with emotional, emasculated, risk adverse boys who are scared of their own shadow, women are now forced to read subtle hints of flirtation.

Now I’m not saying that men and women can’t be platonic friends, which is what I’m sure a lot of people will take this to mean. Of course they can, but ladies, if you think for one second that given a chance those male friends of yours wouldn’t hit it, I have a great deal on a bridge that you should buy. Just because two people are sexually attracted to each other doesn’t mean that they can’t have a meaningful non-sexual relationship. It just means that if they were both stranded on a deserted island you have about an hour before they start getting it on.

I for one will no longer stand for this, and I urge my brethren to do the same. Whenever you see any sappy bullshit, status updates from your male friends complaining about girls they meet just wanting to be friends, I urge you to pull their man cards. And to all my female readers, it’s time for you to ovary up (as opposed to nut up for men), and adapt. That really nice guy in class that got your number so you can study together does want to study something, and I promise you it has nothing to do with what you learned in class. Unless of course it’s a class on human sexuality, then he is just a nice guy that really wants to get an A.

Countdown to Death

It is the most common fear of people in their 20’s. It’s not an STD; it’s not an unwanted pregnancy, or even death. The most common fear of people in their 20’s is turning 30. I know for me personally turning 30 will be a major cause of depression, and heavy drinking. The rational side of my brain tells me that turning 30 isn’t a big deal, one day I will be 29 and the next day I will be 30, and really nothing will have changed. It will be business as usual; same shit different day. But it doesn’t stop 30 from being scary.

No drastic physical change will occur when I turn 30, (other than of course the severe damage done to my liver by the mass consumption of alcohol fueled by my desire to forget that I had just turned 30). Physically, at 30, I figure my body will be in decent enough shape except for my abs of course. This is due to laws that state only homosexual men can have 6-packs beyond the age of 30. I’ll be proud to have a gut at 30, I think having a gut at 30 shows that you are stable and happy. If you’re working out enough at 30 to still have washboard abs, something is obviously wrong with your life.

One of the things that really scare people about turning 30 is that you no longer have any excuses. You can no longer use the excuse that you didn’t know. Your 20’s are supposed to be all about the learning curve and adjusting to being an independent adult. By 30 you should be over all the crazy shit that you did in your 20’s. No more going out and getting wasted with friends, because if you are showing up to work hung over in your 30’s you no longer look like the young guy out enjoying his life. You look like an alcoholic.

In my senior year of high school my English teacher made us write out our life plan and where we expected to be by 30. It’s only in the last few years I have been able to look past how hot she was and realize how cruel this is to do to someone. At 18 we still thought the shit on MTV’s The Real World was the real world. Other than graduating high school for most of us our biggest accomplishment was that we were just starting to figure out how to actually use our genitals (with other people, most of us were pros on using them on our own). I expected to be a millionaire by the time I turned 30. I actually wrote that shit down on paper, and did she give me an F along with a detention in which she punished me by getting naked and… Sorry I got distracted. No she gave me a B probably because I turned it in a week late.

The biggest fear of turning 30 is that we haven’t lived up to the expectations we had for ourselves when we were younger. So, I am currently helping future generations by helping them adjust their expectations. Kids don’t dream because you will only be depressed when you realize that you will never get anywhere near where you expected. If in kindergarten you decided that you wanted to be a stripper, but then grow up to be a Miami Dolphins Cheerleader you will be pleasantly surprised. Instead of what happens now where you go become a Miami Heat dancer, and become a stripper a year later.

Now, as a soon to be father I realize of course I could never do that to my son. Instead my message to the younger generation will be to set long term goals for yourself but always find enjoyment in the things you do everyday. That way when you are standing on the precipice of 30 you can look back at the last 29 years of life and smile at the failures and accomplishments you’ve racked up and still be proud of yourself. This way when you slip into that alcohol induced coma it will be because you are drinking from happiness instead of depression.

Dedicated to all the poor bastards that turn 30 this year, at least it’s not 40. 

“It’s not my fault you have hot friends”

The Boob Light Theory Relative to Men states that light reflected from the cleavage of your significant other’s best friend will be directly reflected into a man’s eyes (not really a scientific theory, but any physicist out there reading this should get started working on it). The point is that it’s not my fault your friend’s boobs were looking at my eyes! It’s ok and excusable that women may cry at a certain time of the month or have mood swings due to hormone changes when pregnant. Nobody gives any consideration though to the effects that testosterone has on a man’s brain and how he looks at the women that surround him.

We can’t help the thoughts we have about women and we are tired of feeling guilty about them. Admittedly, it’s awkward when the woman bending over in front of us in those tight ass shorts is one of your relatives, but hey women should take it as a compliment that we are admiring the beauty of your family. If it’s really that big of a deal maybe you should have told your cousin to not wear those shorts. Or maybe you should have a talk with your mother about which dresses are appropriate for church related events.

All men have been in the situation where your girlfriend’s best friend bends over and you are forced to look at mountains of glorious cleavage, rivaling the majesty of the Swiss Alps. These images will forever be burned into our brains and we can’t doing anything about it (please see above Boob Light Theory). We cannot be held responsible for what stored images get called up in our brains during one on one sessions with Mr. Bojangles (names of individual gentiles may vary). 

Women shouldn’t get angry when they catch us staring at these clearly off limit individuals. In all honesty we weren’t even looking at them necessarily, just certain body parts that they may have. Men have the wonderful amazing ability to completely objectify women. I really consider it a superpower. So we can stare at your co-workers ass without every really acknowledging that it belongs to your co-worker. It’s the ass that we find beautiful not the co-worker.

One of the reasons why this happens to men and not women so much is because women don’t have those same superpowers. Of course a woman may think a guy has a nice body, but if they know that guy they are going to attach those images to a personality. It’s like naming a Thanksgiving turkey before you kill it; once you name it you feel guilty about killing it. Men don’t have that problem because we don’t need that amazing ass to have a name and we don’t care about attaching a personality to boobs.

So ladies, the next time you catch your man staring at something on someone they shouldn’t be looking at, please just understand he isn’t going to leave you for your sister (in most cases). In our minds we don’t even recognize that it’s your sister. For some of you it may be too hard to overlook this and if that is the case stop hanging out with attractive women. It’s not our fault you have hot friends.