No that's not his cellphone in his pocket, he is happy to see you.

Once again, it is another fact that shows that women are less intelligent than men (in this one specific example). Women all over the world cannot seem to tell when a man is flirting with them. It’s like their brains are lacking in the ability to make the connection. Or maybe they think that this guy, that’s being so nice to them for no reason, making himself available to talk on the phone about your problems, asking if you want to go get coffee to just chill is any different from the last asshole that did all these same exact things, then in the end tried to F^@K them. I have news for you… HE’S NOT.

If the heterosexual kinda guy, not related to you, seems interested in the daily monotony that is the female existence, means he wants to sleep with you. It really is that simple ladies. He’s not different from all the rest of the straight guys you’ve ever met, and he’s not trying to build some platonic long lasting friendship. He wants to bone you and he’s just too much of a pussy to say it to your face.

This is why I never feel sorry for those overly sensitive douchebaggy guys that complain about getting put into the “friend box”. They get put there because instead of manning up, putting it on the line and risk being rejected, they try to do the shady “If Only She Got to Know Me” maneuver. Maybe this move works in teen movies where the ugly nerd gets the hot girl when she sees his heart of gold, but in real life the hot girl gets with guy who has the pelotas (for my gente) to go ask her out. Then that same guy has to explain to his hot girlfriend that her nerdy guy best friend actually wants to get in her pants.

There is an explanation for this behavior in women though, and it once again goes back to the fact that they never really have to work that hard to get laid. For a guy we are looking for any sign that a woman may be interested in us (for me personally that means if a woman has ever made eye contact with me, unless of course she is a lesbian, understand?) Women never had to develop awareness for when a man wanted them, because in cave man days it was probably just assumed that if he had a penis he wanted you. However, now in a society filled with emotional, emasculated, risk adverse boys who are scared of their own shadow, women are now forced to read subtle hints of flirtation.

Now I’m not saying that men and women can’t be platonic friends, which is what I’m sure a lot of people will take this to mean. Of course they can, but ladies, if you think for one second that given a chance those male friends of yours wouldn’t hit it, I have a great deal on a bridge that you should buy. Just because two people are sexually attracted to each other doesn’t mean that they can’t have a meaningful non-sexual relationship. It just means that if they were both stranded on a deserted island you have about an hour before they start getting it on.

I for one will no longer stand for this, and I urge my brethren to do the same. Whenever you see any sappy bullshit, status updates from your male friends complaining about girls they meet just wanting to be friends, I urge you to pull their man cards. And to all my female readers, it’s time for you to ovary up (as opposed to nut up for men), and adapt. That really nice guy in class that got your number so you can study together does want to study something, and I promise you it has nothing to do with what you learned in class. Unless of course it’s a class on human sexuality, then he is just a nice guy that really wants to get an A.

Countdown to Death

It is the most common fear of people in their 20’s. It’s not an STD; it’s not an unwanted pregnancy, or even death. The most common fear of people in their 20’s is turning 30. I know for me personally turning 30 will be a major cause of depression, and heavy drinking. The rational side of my brain tells me that turning 30 isn’t a big deal, one day I will be 29 and the next day I will be 30, and really nothing will have changed. It will be business as usual; same shit different day. But it doesn’t stop 30 from being scary.

No drastic physical change will occur when I turn 30, (other than of course the severe damage done to my liver by the mass consumption of alcohol fueled by my desire to forget that I had just turned 30). Physically, at 30, I figure my body will be in decent enough shape except for my abs of course. This is due to laws that state only homosexual men can have 6-packs beyond the age of 30. I’ll be proud to have a gut at 30, I think having a gut at 30 shows that you are stable and happy. If you’re working out enough at 30 to still have washboard abs, something is obviously wrong with your life.

One of the things that really scare people about turning 30 is that you no longer have any excuses. You can no longer use the excuse that you didn’t know. Your 20’s are supposed to be all about the learning curve and adjusting to being an independent adult. By 30 you should be over all the crazy shit that you did in your 20’s. No more going out and getting wasted with friends, because if you are showing up to work hung over in your 30’s you no longer look like the young guy out enjoying his life. You look like an alcoholic.

In my senior year of high school my English teacher made us write out our life plan and where we expected to be by 30. It’s only in the last few years I have been able to look past how hot she was and realize how cruel this is to do to someone. At 18 we still thought the shit on MTV’s The Real World was the real world. Other than graduating high school for most of us our biggest accomplishment was that we were just starting to figure out how to actually use our genitals (with other people, most of us were pros on using them on our own). I expected to be a millionaire by the time I turned 30. I actually wrote that shit down on paper, and did she give me an F along with a detention in which she punished me by getting naked and… Sorry I got distracted. No she gave me a B probably because I turned it in a week late.

The biggest fear of turning 30 is that we haven’t lived up to the expectations we had for ourselves when we were younger. So, I am currently helping future generations by helping them adjust their expectations. Kids don’t dream because you will only be depressed when you realize that you will never get anywhere near where you expected. If in kindergarten you decided that you wanted to be a stripper, but then grow up to be a Miami Dolphins Cheerleader you will be pleasantly surprised. Instead of what happens now where you go become a Miami Heat dancer, and become a stripper a year later.

Now, as a soon to be father I realize of course I could never do that to my son. Instead my message to the younger generation will be to set long term goals for yourself but always find enjoyment in the things you do everyday. That way when you are standing on the precipice of 30 you can look back at the last 29 years of life and smile at the failures and accomplishments you’ve racked up and still be proud of yourself. This way when you slip into that alcohol induced coma it will be because you are drinking from happiness instead of depression.

Dedicated to all the poor bastards that turn 30 this year, at least it’s not 40.