Goldicocks and the Three Bears

According to the last head count that I did, there are over 6 billion people on the planet give or take a few over in Asia (they all look a like I may have counted double). Given this fact it would seem to be incredibly stupid for anyone to say they are looking for “The One.” People run around left and right sounding like Morpheus from the Matrix looking for this one special person that is exactly right for them. As funny as it is to see women going through what I like to call “Goldicock Syndrome,” it gets kind of sad after a certain point. (For those of you who don’t get it, Goldicock refers to a woman who sleeps with men until she finds the one).

There isn’t one person for any of us, if there was the statistical likelihood of you finding them is so ridiculously small that you’re screwed. What if your soul mate lives in some small fishing village in the middle of the Indian Ocean and you live in Miami? What if your soul mate died and you never got a chance to meet them? There are more “what if’s” than I would care to account for or to go over, and I’m sure if you’re able to read this you’re smart enough to think of some for yourself.

The problem with this fairytale belief is not that some people are going to never find that magical connection they are looking for. The problem is that people in relationships still go out looking for that one person they should be with. They wonder if the person they are with is that person. People end good relationships because they think that there is some better match for them out there. There isn’t.

There are also people that sit in bad relationships because they feel that they can’t do any better. The same rule applies; you can’t. If you don’t change yourself and look at what you’re doing to cause your relationship to suck you will probably repeat the same behaviors in every relationship you get into. I love talking to those guys who cheat on their girl friends, who think that they are some how magically going to stop cheating once they find their wife.  It is as if true love is what’s keeping them from being faithful and not their inability to say no to their penis. (Turns out the D.A.R.E. program in elementary school did teach me something)

That magical connection you’re searching for if you are one of these people, actually happens when two people decide they want to be together and create a relationship that makes them both happy. Seeing as how I don’t believe in god, I also don’t believe that there is some master plan out there for any of us. You make your own happiness in the short amount of time we have in this life. If your relationship sucks right now instead of looking outside of it and trying to find something better, take an honest look inward and ask yourself what you could do to make it better. If the answer is nothing, then end the relationship. You will get over them; just remember that there are several billion people left for you to go through and NASA is still in search for life outside our planet, so don’t lose hope.  

I Love the Smell of Hippies in the Morning!!!!

I decided today after sitting on the sidelines for so long to actually give my opinion for what it’s worth on the whole Occupy Wall Street movement. Since I’m not actually going to go out and protest I figured I would contribute what I can, (irreverent writing made to sound like I actually know what I am talking about). I’m not a tree hugging hippy like many of the people out there protesting probably are. I’m sure for many of them living in a park for a couple weeks without showering is not a large break with their normal day to day activities. However, just because I disagree with their sense of hygiene doesn’t mean I don’t support their cause.

As an immigrant to this country (legally for readers in Arizona) I know better than most people that are born here what this country is about. The whole “American Dream” isn’t about having the white house with the picket fence and 2.5 kids. It’s about having the opportunity to get those things. America isn’t about handouts and everyone having the same things. It’s about everyone having a fair chance at achieving what they want in life. What the Tea Party crowd has gotten right is the idea that Americans don’t want or need government handouts. What they get wrong is the target of their anger.

I’m not one of these people that feel that corporations are inherently evil. That’s like saying Tea Party people are inherently stupid. Ok, bad example. Corporations serve their purpose and they do it well. They make money for their share holders. If that means that a financial institution is going to make risky investments, or product manufacturer is going to save money at the expense of consumer safety so be it. A CEO is measured by how much money he makes and how much bigger the company gets under their tenure. The CEO of BP during the whole Gulf oil spill is probably a really nice guy. I’m sure if he saw a box of kittens on the side of the road he would get out to help, but the board of directors isn’t judging him based on that.

Knowing that corporations will do whatever they can to make money what we need is a government that recognizes that and protects our best interest, not theirs. I say deregulate everything, and if a company is found to have produced a faulty product that hurts a consumer we should be allowed to sue them for every cent they have, and hang the CEO outside the corporate office. Of course though this would never work; who would risk investing in anything knowing that if 1 person makes a mistake they could lose everything? That’s why we need a powerful government that protects people from corporations, and holds corporations accountable when they do wrong.

For far too long we’ve had a government that is more concerned with the needs of corporations than the needs of the people they were elected to service, the Occupy Wall Street movement is here. The Tea Partiers were here first and they are angry too, they are just too ignorant to understand who is actually dicking them over. Both these movements have started because American people are pissed off about what has been going on.

So, I would like to say thank you, to all the people who stood up and have gone out to protest. Although the cynic in me keeps me from believing that anything will really change as a result of these protests, I am still happy to see the message “Hey assholes, we’re still here,” is being conveyed on mine and all of our behalves. Now if we could just get a major corporation to donate bars of soap or something.   

No that's not his cellphone in his pocket, he is happy to see you.

Once again, it is another fact that shows that women are less intelligent than men (in this one specific example). Women all over the world cannot seem to tell when a man is flirting with them. It’s like their brains are lacking in the ability to make the connection. Or maybe they think that this guy, that’s being so nice to them for no reason, making himself available to talk on the phone about your problems, asking if you want to go get coffee to just chill is any different from the last asshole that did all these same exact things, then in the end tried to F^@K them. I have news for you… HE’S NOT.

If the heterosexual kinda guy, not related to you, seems interested in the daily monotony that is the female existence, means he wants to sleep with you. It really is that simple ladies. He’s not different from all the rest of the straight guys you’ve ever met, and he’s not trying to build some platonic long lasting friendship. He wants to bone you and he’s just too much of a pussy to say it to your face.

This is why I never feel sorry for those overly sensitive douchebaggy guys that complain about getting put into the “friend box”. They get put there because instead of manning up, putting it on the line and risk being rejected, they try to do the shady “If Only She Got to Know Me” maneuver. Maybe this move works in teen movies where the ugly nerd gets the hot girl when she sees his heart of gold, but in real life the hot girl gets with guy who has the pelotas (for my gente) to go ask her out. Then that same guy has to explain to his hot girlfriend that her nerdy guy best friend actually wants to get in her pants.

There is an explanation for this behavior in women though, and it once again goes back to the fact that they never really have to work that hard to get laid. For a guy we are looking for any sign that a woman may be interested in us (for me personally that means if a woman has ever made eye contact with me, unless of course she is a lesbian, understand?) Women never had to develop awareness for when a man wanted them, because in cave man days it was probably just assumed that if he had a penis he wanted you. However, now in a society filled with emotional, emasculated, risk adverse boys who are scared of their own shadow, women are now forced to read subtle hints of flirtation.

Now I’m not saying that men and women can’t be platonic friends, which is what I’m sure a lot of people will take this to mean. Of course they can, but ladies, if you think for one second that given a chance those male friends of yours wouldn’t hit it, I have a great deal on a bridge that you should buy. Just because two people are sexually attracted to each other doesn’t mean that they can’t have a meaningful non-sexual relationship. It just means that if they were both stranded on a deserted island you have about an hour before they start getting it on.

I for one will no longer stand for this, and I urge my brethren to do the same. Whenever you see any sappy bullshit, status updates from your male friends complaining about girls they meet just wanting to be friends, I urge you to pull their man cards. And to all my female readers, it’s time for you to ovary up (as opposed to nut up for men), and adapt. That really nice guy in class that got your number so you can study together does want to study something, and I promise you it has nothing to do with what you learned in class. Unless of course it’s a class on human sexuality, then he is just a nice guy that really wants to get an A.

Countdown to Death

It is the most common fear of people in their 20’s. It’s not an STD; it’s not an unwanted pregnancy, or even death. The most common fear of people in their 20’s is turning 30. I know for me personally turning 30 will be a major cause of depression, and heavy drinking. The rational side of my brain tells me that turning 30 isn’t a big deal, one day I will be 29 and the next day I will be 30, and really nothing will have changed. It will be business as usual; same shit different day. But it doesn’t stop 30 from being scary.

No drastic physical change will occur when I turn 30, (other than of course the severe damage done to my liver by the mass consumption of alcohol fueled by my desire to forget that I had just turned 30). Physically, at 30, I figure my body will be in decent enough shape except for my abs of course. This is due to laws that state only homosexual men can have 6-packs beyond the age of 30. I’ll be proud to have a gut at 30, I think having a gut at 30 shows that you are stable and happy. If you’re working out enough at 30 to still have washboard abs, something is obviously wrong with your life.

One of the things that really scare people about turning 30 is that you no longer have any excuses. You can no longer use the excuse that you didn’t know. Your 20’s are supposed to be all about the learning curve and adjusting to being an independent adult. By 30 you should be over all the crazy shit that you did in your 20’s. No more going out and getting wasted with friends, because if you are showing up to work hung over in your 30’s you no longer look like the young guy out enjoying his life. You look like an alcoholic.

In my senior year of high school my English teacher made us write out our life plan and where we expected to be by 30. It’s only in the last few years I have been able to look past how hot she was and realize how cruel this is to do to someone. At 18 we still thought the shit on MTV’s The Real World was the real world. Other than graduating high school for most of us our biggest accomplishment was that we were just starting to figure out how to actually use our genitals (with other people, most of us were pros on using them on our own). I expected to be a millionaire by the time I turned 30. I actually wrote that shit down on paper, and did she give me an F along with a detention in which she punished me by getting naked and… Sorry I got distracted. No she gave me a B probably because I turned it in a week late.

The biggest fear of turning 30 is that we haven’t lived up to the expectations we had for ourselves when we were younger. So, I am currently helping future generations by helping them adjust their expectations. Kids don’t dream because you will only be depressed when you realize that you will never get anywhere near where you expected. If in kindergarten you decided that you wanted to be a stripper, but then grow up to be a Miami Dolphins Cheerleader you will be pleasantly surprised. Instead of what happens now where you go become a Miami Heat dancer, and become a stripper a year later.

Now, as a soon to be father I realize of course I could never do that to my son. Instead my message to the younger generation will be to set long term goals for yourself but always find enjoyment in the things you do everyday. That way when you are standing on the precipice of 30 you can look back at the last 29 years of life and smile at the failures and accomplishments you’ve racked up and still be proud of yourself. This way when you slip into that alcohol induced coma it will be because you are drinking from happiness instead of depression.

Dedicated to all the poor bastards that turn 30 this year, at least it’s not 40. 

“It’s not my fault you have hot friends”

The Boob Light Theory Relative to Men states that light reflected from the cleavage of your significant other’s best friend will be directly reflected into a man’s eyes (not really a scientific theory, but any physicist out there reading this should get started working on it). The point is that it’s not my fault your friend’s boobs were looking at my eyes! It’s ok and excusable that women may cry at a certain time of the month or have mood swings due to hormone changes when pregnant. Nobody gives any consideration though to the effects that testosterone has on a man’s brain and how he looks at the women that surround him.

We can’t help the thoughts we have about women and we are tired of feeling guilty about them. Admittedly, it’s awkward when the woman bending over in front of us in those tight ass shorts is one of your relatives, but hey women should take it as a compliment that we are admiring the beauty of your family. If it’s really that big of a deal maybe you should have told your cousin to not wear those shorts. Or maybe you should have a talk with your mother about which dresses are appropriate for church related events.

All men have been in the situation where your girlfriend’s best friend bends over and you are forced to look at mountains of glorious cleavage, rivaling the majesty of the Swiss Alps. These images will forever be burned into our brains and we can’t doing anything about it (please see above Boob Light Theory). We cannot be held responsible for what stored images get called up in our brains during one on one sessions with Mr. Bojangles (names of individual gentiles may vary). 

Women shouldn’t get angry when they catch us staring at these clearly off limit individuals. In all honesty we weren’t even looking at them necessarily, just certain body parts that they may have. Men have the wonderful amazing ability to completely objectify women. I really consider it a superpower. So we can stare at your co-workers ass without every really acknowledging that it belongs to your co-worker. It’s the ass that we find beautiful not the co-worker.

One of the reasons why this happens to men and not women so much is because women don’t have those same superpowers. Of course a woman may think a guy has a nice body, but if they know that guy they are going to attach those images to a personality. It’s like naming a Thanksgiving turkey before you kill it; once you name it you feel guilty about killing it. Men don’t have that problem because we don’t need that amazing ass to have a name and we don’t care about attaching a personality to boobs.

So ladies, the next time you catch your man staring at something on someone they shouldn’t be looking at, please just understand he isn’t going to leave you for your sister (in most cases). In our minds we don’t even recognize that it’s your sister. For some of you it may be too hard to overlook this and if that is the case stop hanging out with attractive women. It’s not our fault you have hot friends.

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of F*^king her”

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her”

When I heard this quote for the first time, I thought truer words had never been spoken and I believe most men have the same reaction. Even if this statement isn’t true in any given man’s personal situation, every guy has at least one friend who is like this. Women of course generally find this statement offensive. Well, I am offended that they are offended. Why should men apologize for the truth? Instead of sitting there being all pissy about it, why not try to understand why this happens?

What is it about the male gender of our species (and pretty much every other species on the planet) that makes us get bored? I read something once about the top ten things married men would like for their wives to do and number one thing was initiate sex. As men we get tired of chasing after the same thing all the time. Even cats and dogs get tired of playing with the same toy over and over again. There is no more fun in chasing something when you already know what you are going to get.

This isn’t to say of course that women aren’t bored too. I’m sure they are I mean how could they not be. More times than not figuring out how to get a woman to climax is like figuring out the combination to a lock where you know the numbers just forgot which direction to turn the dial. As a man, once you figure out that combination you don’t forget it. Sometimes you put the combination in faster, sometimes slower, and sometimes you do it blindfolded while blowing in the lock’s ear but ultimately it’s the same numbers and same direction every time.

There is a silver lining to all of this though. Boredom does not necessarily equal unhappiness. Tiger Woods’ marriage was really exciting and look how that turned out. I love being bored with my beautiful girlfriend because it means I have no stress in my life. We have boring routine evenings where we go home, cook dinner and maybe go to the gym. Our weekends are so boring sometimes that the highlight of the weekend could be as simple as a trip to The Home Depot or if we get crazy enough maybe a movie.

So, yes the man in the quote is tired of sleeping with a beautiful woman, but that doesn’t mean he’s still not happy with their relationship. I’m sure their hypothetical relationship will last a very long time and they will both live happily ever after. That is until he finds out she was bored way before he was and has been sleeping with her co-worker for the past 6 months…

Marriage. What's in it for me?

It’s the year 2011, and regarding the issue of marriage it’s time men start asking themselves, “What’s in it for me?” For too long my brothers, we have been led down that aisle of castration, game faces on for what we have been told is something we have to do. I know there are lots of guys reading this (5 of my friends at the most) saying, “I want to get married too” but those guys are gay, and only want to do it to further the cause of civil rights, which I think is a very noble reason to get married, but as a straight guy I’m going to need more than that.

Apart from the religious reasons for some, (which will be addressed at a different date) getting married and having a wedding is pretty much for women. It’s all about women with today’s weddings, and the groom is really just an after thought. I get why women do it, they get all those gifts, the fulfillment of that princess fantasy ingrained in them by the fascists at Disney, and now society won’t think they are broken because they found a  man who is willing to tolerate them for the rest of their lives (yeah I said it).

Let’s face it women control our access to vagina, and because of that they control so many other things in our lives. Marriage is the only leverage we have because they can’t marry us without our being willing to do it. It’s like vampires in my favorite show True Blood. They can’t get into your house to suck you dry unless you invite them in. Marriage is our only trump card in the game of relationships. Ask any married man and he will tell you once you let it go it’s gone forever.

Seeing as how I’m not a Republican I can see the downsides to our position. What happens if we don’t go through with it? Women nowadays have become patient, they will stay with us and pretend to be happy, but every now and then out of the corner of your eye you will see it; the dirty look. The women we love,-as much as we hate to admit it-make us better and we know that, that’s why we love them and can’t live without them. They are like crystal meth, even though you know it’s going to kill you, you can’t live without it. So to get a dirty look from these beautiful, bat shit crazy at times, manipulative, wonderful individuals, kills us on some level.

So we willingly and happily accept our fate, and go through the hell that is wedding planning. Women, understand that we don’t get why this is so important to you but we’re willing to do it to make you happy, and making you happy makes us happy. So I like my brothers before me will willingly walk down that aisle with my held head high, and smile on my face as I prepare to kiss my balls goodbye.

How To Raise a Slut

How to Raise a Slut

1. Raise your daughter to think independently and have ambition and goals.
2. Teach her that her sexuality is something that belongs to her.
3. Educate her about her body and how to properly protect herself from STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
4. Teach her that the right time for her to start having sex (with other people) is when mature enough to understand and accept the responsibilities and potential consequences that go along with having sex.
5. Show her that no man no matter how much he means to her is worth compromising her goals and beliefs for and that a man that is worthwhile would never ask her to do those things.

Now all you have to do is sit back and wait. She will if you get lucky wait until she is out of school, well established in her career and financially independent to get married. By this time I’m sure she has already been dating and if she’s anything like the average teen already lost her virginity around the age of 16. So let’s say now she’s between the ages of 28-32 and has had different relationships and has been enjoying herself responsibly. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that she could have had 7-10 sexual partners. Congratulations according to the moron’s I call friends you have raised a certified slut.

I had a conversation with some of my guy friends at lunch recently and these assholes actually said that a woman like this should be considered a slut. It doesn’t matter who they are, the reasons why they may have had varied sexual partners, or where she is in her life. The only qualifier for a woman to be a slut is the amount of penises that have been in her vagina.

Just for the record I completely disagree with these children. I just felt that I should post something about this, so women everywhere could rise up and assert their sexual equality or whatever. I think what has shocked me isn’t that there are morons in the world shit we still have Republicans. What shocked me is that I’m friends with people that think this way. Unlike them though I’m not going to judge them simply because of one thing they do, or one thing they believe in. I’ll just politely disagree with them and tell all the women that I know, that know them that they have herpes.

Women Need to Man Up

Women need to get some balls. I have a lot of female friends, and all I ever hear from most of them are the same bullshit problems over and over again. You would think they would have learned something about men considering all the time we’ve spent together on this planet. Yet they are still surprised when men cheat, still offended when we find other women attractive, still get angry because they say shit to us and we don’t listen to them. I am a firm believer in the equality of the female sex to men, but holy shit get a clue.

The fact that time after time women get into relationships and are surprised when men cheat on them is truly a testament to the power of the human mind to see what it wants. Women should be surprised when we don’t cheat. I’m not saying all men cheat because not all men do. I wouldn’t even say the majority of men cheat, but I promise you 99 percent of all men in relationships see women on a daily basis that they would sleep with in a second if they had the chance. I refuse to believe that on some deep level women don’t realize this; so knowing that why in the FUCK do they continue to be offended over this shit?

Women need to grow up and accept reality. And that reality is that men are men and no matter how you want us to be we aren’t going to be that way. The guys that you see in bullshit movies like the Notebook don’t fucking exist. If that’s what you want then go be lesbians. Shit we don’t mind as long as you let us watch. Then again I have lesbian friends and their relationships are just as dysfunctional as all the straight relationships out there.

There is some hope though. I have met women who for the most part like men the they we are, and the parts of us that they don’t like they fucking ignore. This is the key; learning to accept the bullshit that comes with the set of genitals you prefer to sleep with. I love vagina, and I’m willing to accept the neurosis that come with it. It’s the sacrifice straight guys are willing to make, just like gay guys are willing to accept sweaty balls, and mud on the helmet every so often.

So here it is time to put up or shut up. We’re not going to change. Either you grow a tougher skin, and stop acting like you’re really surprised and angry when you realize that we don’t give a shit about how frustrated you were when you couldn’t find the right size jeans, or invent a dildo that can watch Gossip Girl with you.