I’m back. I had to take a forced vacation. Well, vacation probably isn’t the best word, seeing as how I’ve spent my time away changing diapers, getting thrown up on, and cleaning bottles. That’s right, I am now a father. It’s the most amazing thing that could ever happen to you while at the same time being the most horrible thing to ever happen to you. I felt that it was my responsibility to jot down some lessons that I’ve learned from my 5 month journey into fatherhood so, that the two people that read this will learn from experience.
1. Seeing the Birth of Your Child is a Highly Overrated Experience:
I had always figured this would be the case and that is why I did not want to participate. I am happy that I did however for two reasons. 1. It fucking sucks being a woman and having to go through that shit, so I am very happy that I was able to be there for my girlfriend. 2. I went through it so now I can look people in the face and tell them when they say it was the most wonderful day of their life that they are in fact full of shit. I was so tired by the time my son was cut out from my partially unconscious girlfriend, they could have pulled out an Asian albino kid, and I would have just been happy that it was finally over. I have also learned from this that an individual that can cut a person open and still go home to sleep at night with no problems is not a person that should be trusted, ever.
2. Babies Are the Most Abusive Individuals on the Planet:
I have never taken so much abuse in my life. All this kid does is demand things of me and I do it. I’m like a freaking robot. If he’s wet, I change him. If he’s hungry, I feed him. If he’s tired, I put him to sleep. With all that we do for this kid, not once has he ever said thank you. Now I’m not stupid, I know he’s a baby and he can’t talk so fine no thank you is needed, but how about just a nod of the head, anything acknowledge the fact that we have some type of existence beyond just satisfying his every need. We are like battered wives at this point, and finally one day he makes eye contact with you and smiles, and like a bunch of assholes we become overjoyed at this stupid gesture, which by the way he is only doing because he likes to smile when he takes a shit.
3. Wiping Another Man’s Balls Doesn’t Make You Gay:
Yeah I know right. This one was very counterintuitive for me as well. I’ve known some of my guy friends since we were in elementary school. These are guys that I’ve done ridiculously dangerous things in support of risking my freedom, and sometimes my life. Yet having gone through everything I have with my friends, if one of them ever asked me to wipe poop off his balls, I can promise you the friendship would be over in a second. Yet my son is expected to get this privilege without a moment’s hesitation. I am proud to say I hesitated. I did it, but I hesitated, as I think any heterosexual man should do before cleaning another mans nuts. Just because this child is given the title of “Son” I’m automatically supposed to feel comfortable doing this? I call bullshit. But just in case you were wondering I’ve been cleaning balls now for 5 months and I am still 100% heterosexual.
Now having said all of this most people would think that either I’m a horrible father or that I hate my kid. Neither of these things is true so fuck you. The fact is only a good father would be going through all this to be able to learn these lessons and I love my son very much and always will no matter how much of an asshole he is. I will continue to take my abuse like a champ just like my father did all the while looking forward to the day when he is old enough for me to make him get me beer from the fridge and then go wash my car.
Happy Father’s Day
