“It’s not my fault you have hot friends”

The Boob Light Theory Relative to Men states that light reflected from the cleavage of your significant other’s best friend will be directly reflected into a man’s eyes (not really a scientific theory, but any physicist out there reading this should get started working on it). The point is that it’s not my fault your friend’s boobs were looking at my eyes! It’s ok and excusable that women may cry at a certain time of the month or have mood swings due to hormone changes when pregnant. Nobody gives any consideration though to the effects that testosterone has on a man’s brain and how he looks at the women that surround him.

We can’t help the thoughts we have about women and we are tired of feeling guilty about them. Admittedly, it’s awkward when the woman bending over in front of us in those tight ass shorts is one of your relatives, but hey women should take it as a compliment that we are admiring the beauty of your family. If it’s really that big of a deal maybe you should have told your cousin to not wear those shorts. Or maybe you should have a talk with your mother about which dresses are appropriate for church related events.

All men have been in the situation where your girlfriend’s best friend bends over and you are forced to look at mountains of glorious cleavage, rivaling the majesty of the Swiss Alps. These images will forever be burned into our brains and we can’t doing anything about it (please see above Boob Light Theory). We cannot be held responsible for what stored images get called up in our brains during one on one sessions with Mr. Bojangles (names of individual gentiles may vary). 

Women shouldn’t get angry when they catch us staring at these clearly off limit individuals. In all honesty we weren’t even looking at them necessarily, just certain body parts that they may have. Men have the wonderful amazing ability to completely objectify women. I really consider it a superpower. So we can stare at your co-workers ass without every really acknowledging that it belongs to your co-worker. It’s the ass that we find beautiful not the co-worker.

One of the reasons why this happens to men and not women so much is because women don’t have those same superpowers. Of course a woman may think a guy has a nice body, but if they know that guy they are going to attach those images to a personality. It’s like naming a Thanksgiving turkey before you kill it; once you name it you feel guilty about killing it. Men don’t have that problem because we don’t need that amazing ass to have a name and we don’t care about attaching a personality to boobs.

So ladies, the next time you catch your man staring at something on someone they shouldn’t be looking at, please just understand he isn’t going to leave you for your sister (in most cases). In our minds we don’t even recognize that it’s your sister. For some of you it may be too hard to overlook this and if that is the case stop hanging out with attractive women. It’s not our fault you have hot friends.

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of F*^king her”

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her”

When I heard this quote for the first time, I thought truer words had never been spoken and I believe most men have the same reaction. Even if this statement isn’t true in any given man’s personal situation, every guy has at least one friend who is like this. Women of course generally find this statement offensive. Well, I am offended that they are offended. Why should men apologize for the truth? Instead of sitting there being all pissy about it, why not try to understand why this happens?

What is it about the male gender of our species (and pretty much every other species on the planet) that makes us get bored? I read something once about the top ten things married men would like for their wives to do and number one thing was initiate sex. As men we get tired of chasing after the same thing all the time. Even cats and dogs get tired of playing with the same toy over and over again. There is no more fun in chasing something when you already know what you are going to get.

This isn’t to say of course that women aren’t bored too. I’m sure they are I mean how could they not be. More times than not figuring out how to get a woman to climax is like figuring out the combination to a lock where you know the numbers just forgot which direction to turn the dial. As a man, once you figure out that combination you don’t forget it. Sometimes you put the combination in faster, sometimes slower, and sometimes you do it blindfolded while blowing in the lock’s ear but ultimately it’s the same numbers and same direction every time.

There is a silver lining to all of this though. Boredom does not necessarily equal unhappiness. Tiger Woods’ marriage was really exciting and look how that turned out. I love being bored with my beautiful girlfriend because it means I have no stress in my life. We have boring routine evenings where we go home, cook dinner and maybe go to the gym. Our weekends are so boring sometimes that the highlight of the weekend could be as simple as a trip to The Home Depot or if we get crazy enough maybe a movie.

So, yes the man in the quote is tired of sleeping with a beautiful woman, but that doesn’t mean he’s still not happy with their relationship. I’m sure their hypothetical relationship will last a very long time and they will both live happily ever after. That is until he finds out she was bored way before he was and has been sleeping with her co-worker for the past 6 months…

Marriage. What's in it for me?

It’s the year 2011, and regarding the issue of marriage it’s time men start asking themselves, “What’s in it for me?” For too long my brothers, we have been led down that aisle of castration, game faces on for what we have been told is something we have to do. I know there are lots of guys reading this (5 of my friends at the most) saying, “I want to get married too” but those guys are gay, and only want to do it to further the cause of civil rights, which I think is a very noble reason to get married, but as a straight guy I’m going to need more than that.

Apart from the religious reasons for some, (which will be addressed at a different date) getting married and having a wedding is pretty much for women. It’s all about women with today’s weddings, and the groom is really just an after thought. I get why women do it, they get all those gifts, the fulfillment of that princess fantasy ingrained in them by the fascists at Disney, and now society won’t think they are broken because they found a  man who is willing to tolerate them for the rest of their lives (yeah I said it).

Let’s face it women control our access to vagina, and because of that they control so many other things in our lives. Marriage is the only leverage we have because they can’t marry us without our being willing to do it. It’s like vampires in my favorite show True Blood. They can’t get into your house to suck you dry unless you invite them in. Marriage is our only trump card in the game of relationships. Ask any married man and he will tell you once you let it go it’s gone forever.

Seeing as how I’m not a Republican I can see the downsides to our position. What happens if we don’t go through with it? Women nowadays have become patient, they will stay with us and pretend to be happy, but every now and then out of the corner of your eye you will see it; the dirty look. The women we love,-as much as we hate to admit it-make us better and we know that, that’s why we love them and can’t live without them. They are like crystal meth, even though you know it’s going to kill you, you can’t live without it. So to get a dirty look from these beautiful, bat shit crazy at times, manipulative, wonderful individuals, kills us on some level.

So we willingly and happily accept our fate, and go through the hell that is wedding planning. Women, understand that we don’t get why this is so important to you but we’re willing to do it to make you happy, and making you happy makes us happy. So I like my brothers before me will willingly walk down that aisle with my held head high, and smile on my face as I prepare to kiss my balls goodbye.