Put an End to Bitchassness!!!!!!!!!

I have been compelled to come out of retirement (laziness) to write again to address this pervasive issue I have seen infiltrating the soul of this great nation. It’s not the lack of gun control laws, nor is it the slow destruction of workers rights by conservative lead and corporate funded initiatives, and neigh it is not creeping intrusion of government into medical health of women. It is something far more sinister. It is BITCHASSNESS.

“What is bitchassness and why have I never heard of it?” you may be asking yourselves. No you may have never heard the term but you have felt it deep in your gut. Whenever you see a man become overly emotional over some complete bullshit and you feel the urge to slap him and tell him to put on his big boy pants this is your body’s natural rejection of bitchassness.

Many of you out there are probably wondering why bitchassness is a problem. It’s a problem because it’s freaking annoying. Whenever you see a guy get all weepy and sad for 6 months over a two month relationship. Whenever you see a guy take shit personal that nobody should ever take personal. Or when he complains that there are women out there don’t want a “good guy”; no you pussy she just doesn’t want you!!!!

I’m not saying it’s bad for a man to feel these emotions from time to time. I’m just saying it’s wrong for him to let people know he’s feeling them. Handle your emotions like man goddamn it. Bury them deep down and watch them melt away as you pour alcohol on them. Sometimes it helps to go to a strip club, or sleep with some random woman. This way instead of dwelling on the initial even that cause this flare up of bitchassness you can focus on your feelings of regret once you’ve gotten crabs.

You would be foolish to believe that this insipid disease is only limited to men. Women can also show symptoms of bitchassness. For example when they might profess how much they love their life or how bless they are. BITCHASSNESS! Maybe they feel the need to tell the world on a weekly basis how much they love their significant other or their child. BITCHASSNESS! When they (and you know who they are) feel it’s necessary to post positive messages online on a Monday morning. BITCHASSNESSSSS!!!!!

The spread of bitchassness has been slow and controllable throughout the decades ever since the cancelling of Married With Children. However with the creation of social media and the need to constantly post shit online it has spread at an exponential rate. I urge you to help in the fight against the spread of bitchassness. You can do this by calling people out on their bitchassness whenever you see it happening. Whenever they post some bullshit online, call them out by posting in the comment box BITCHASSNESS. Alone we cannot defeat this horrible disease, but together maybe we can slow it’s spread and maybe cure some of the afflicted, so that one day we can live in a world where we don’t have to know the sappy bullshit that goes on in people’s heads.

Thank you and Godspeed.

Lesson's From a Proud Baby Daddy

I’m back. I had to take a forced vacation. Well, vacation probably isn’t the best word, seeing as how I’ve spent my time away changing diapers, getting thrown up on, and cleaning bottles. That’s right, I am now a father. It’s the most amazing thing that could ever happen to you while at the same time being the most horrible thing to ever happen to you. I felt that it was my responsibility to jot down some lessons that I’ve learned from my 5 month journey into fatherhood so, that the two people that read this will learn from experience.

1. Seeing the Birth of Your Child is a Highly Overrated Experience:

            I had always figured this would be the case and that is why I did not want to participate. I am happy that I did however for two reasons. 1. It fucking sucks being a woman and having to go through that shit, so I am very happy that I was able to be there for my girlfriend. 2. I went through it so now I can look people in the face and tell them when they say it was the most wonderful day of their life that they are in fact full of shit. I was so tired by the time my son was cut out from my partially unconscious girlfriend, they could have pulled out an Asian albino kid, and I would have just been happy that it was finally over. I have also learned from this that an individual that can cut a person open and still go home to sleep at night with no problems is not a person that should be trusted, ever.

2. Babies Are the Most Abusive Individuals on the Planet:

            I have never taken so much abuse in my life. All this kid does is demand things of me and I do it. I’m like a freaking robot. If he’s wet, I change him. If he’s hungry, I feed him. If he’s tired, I put him to sleep. With all that we do for this kid, not once has he ever said thank you. Now I’m not stupid, I know he’s a baby and he can’t talk so fine no thank you is needed, but how about just a nod of the head, anything acknowledge the fact that we have some type of existence beyond just satisfying his every need. We are like battered wives at this point, and finally one day he makes eye contact with you and smiles, and like a bunch of assholes we become overjoyed at this stupid gesture, which by the way he is only doing because he likes to smile when he takes a shit.

3. Wiping Another Man’s Balls Doesn’t Make You Gay:

            Yeah I know right. This one was very counterintuitive for me as well. I’ve known some of my guy friends since we were in elementary school. These are guys that I’ve done ridiculously dangerous things in support of risking my freedom, and sometimes my life. Yet having gone through everything I have with my friends, if one of them ever asked me to wipe poop off his balls, I can promise you the friendship would be over in a second. Yet my son is expected to get this privilege without a moment’s hesitation. I am proud to say I hesitated. I did it, but I hesitated, as I think any heterosexual man should do before cleaning another mans nuts. Just because this child is given the title of “Son” I’m automatically supposed to feel comfortable doing this? I call bullshit. But just in case you were wondering I’ve been cleaning balls now for 5 months and I am still 100% heterosexual.   

Now having said all of this most people would think that either I’m a horrible father or that I hate my kid. Neither of these things is true so fuck you. The fact is only a good father would be going through all this to be able to learn these lessons and I love my son very much and always will no matter how much of an asshole he is. I will continue to take my abuse like a champ just like my father did all the while looking forward to the day when he is old enough for me to make him get me beer from the fridge and then go wash my car.

Happy Father’s Day